The Apocalypse is Now

You know how in really bad sci-fi movies that came out last year starring Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig, the protagonists are always piecing together seemingly unrelated clues and minor details that, when you think about it, all point to an apocalyptic end to mankind as we know it? I hate that. It's so... unrealistic. At least that's what I used to think.

As for me, my life is devoid of dramatic music in the background to let me know when I'm on to something, but I'm still a very astute observer, and I've discovered too many irrational things in the last 24 hours to keep quiet about them anymore. What follows below is the first of several examples that prove we are hurtling head-long towards the end of mankind. If these examples represent the direction our society is headed, the wheels are gonna come off long before the four horsemen ever ride over the horizon.

When I say "Carnival Food", it probably conjures up memories of riding the Himalaya on a hot summer night, right after you watched the carney wipe up some corn-dog-and-cotton-candy vomit off of your seat with an old towel, filled with a wierd mix of apprehension and exhilaration. (Just me? OK) Nevertheless, unspeakable cravings overcome me when I'm standing in front of the bright yellow food vendor stands, and the no-nonsense price list, and the sleeveless, bearded men and women who make it happen. Corn dogs that would make a porn star flinch. Nachos as big as your face. Turkey legs, dripping with delicious goodness.

But those were the old days. Sure, there was guilt the next morning for violating your diet, but you swore not to do it for about a year, hopped on the treadmill, and all was right with the world again. The kind of food they serve now at carnivals is of a caliber that makes me feel guilty as soon as I hand my money over. Fried twinkies, fried coke (wtf?), fried candy bars. I saw pizza on a stick. I've heard legend of a corn dog with chili on the inside. Nothing, however, prepared me for what I saw last night.

HOT BEEF SUNDAE (no really, here's proof: http://www.iabeef.org/Docs/Hot_Beef_SundaePR.pdf)

Try that on for size--doesn't your skin just feel greasy because you're thinking about it? The actual ingredients (beef, mashed potatoes, cheese, gravy, cherry tomato on top) aren't so bad. No, it is the Marketing department who is playing God by giving this thing such an excruciating name. The concept of "beef as dessert" won't just leave you with a twinge of guilt. No, this is a mind-fuck that will sink you into self-loathing and gravy addiction long after you've digested the 3,000 calories. This is beyond the scope of our fearless chefs-sans-sleeves and their 'stick it and fry it' mentality. This is surely the work of an evil genius, and proof positive that the antichrist will be a charismatic carney.