Personality Tests

I had the chance to tell the HR lady exactly what I thought of her damn personality test today. But I didn't. According to my test I like to 'avoid conflict.' Plus, she didn't do anything to deserve it. They nailed that one, though: 'avoid conflict.'

I could have done worse: in situations where I avoid conflict, my coworkers range from--I'm quoting the actual tests here--'verbal attack' to 'dictatorial steamroller.' I don't like these kinds of tests. I want tests that further establish my position on the right side of the bell curve. (Ah, but gone are the days of my youth, churning productively in the public education system between the 98th and 99th percentiles, unaware that my reward/fate was to have to work for one of the morons plucked from the fat middle.)

Unlike my logorrheic steamroller of a boss, I 'bottle things up.' I'm so glad you could make it here to the uncorking. Those seated in the front row are asked to put their goggles on now. The elderly and managers of any kind are asked to leave at this time, lest their little hearts implode.

Personality tests are a sham. Sometime in the 40s or 50s, this psychologist named Forer did an experiment. He gave a group of people a 'personality test' and handed each their 'results,' asking them to rate from 0 to 5 how accurate it was. The average score was better than 4. The catch was that the results were the same for all of the people, and consisted of text assembled from horoscopes.

Further studies indicated that people gave higher ratings when 1) the perceived credibility of the test/proctor was higher, 2) they thought the results were personalized especially for them, and 3) the results listed mainly positive traits. You'll be hard-pressed to find a personality test that doesn't explicity aim for these three criteria.

Here's how my test worked: I told the computer that on a scale of 1 to 5, I'm a 5 on independent, and a 4 on introvert, and on and on down the list of 40-50 different traits. Then it tells me things like "you prefer working alone," and I'm not any smarter than I was when we began this little dance.

A: "Do you like vanilla and dairy products?"
B: "Yes!"
A: "You must eat ice cream on at least an infrequent basis."
B: "That is so true! How did you know?"
A: "I'm a wizard."
B: "You must be."

So when the HR lady says, "Isn't it amazing how accurate these things are?" I want to set her straight with some vociferous verbal fury. I instead choose to 'avoid conflict,' and give a "yeah, wow." (notice the lack of capital letters and exclamations from my 'wow')

Comparing reports with my co-workers, it seems clear that there are three separate paragraphs for each category, of which you get dealt one or two, based on your answers. So you think you're getting a custom-computer-generated analysis of your personality with several details and nuances, but in reality, you're getting stuffed into one of three generalized boxes. But so many of the terms they use are vague and subjective anyway, so you're going to agree with a statement that you're 'blue' whether you're clinically depressed, really into Jazz, or are a Smurf.

A: "Do you have access to standard Western amenities, like shelter, hot water, Air conditioning, etc?"
B: "Yes, but how did you..."
A: "I'd say you like your showers hot....but not TOO hot."
B: "That's absolutely TRUE! I hate cold showers, and don't like being scalded either."
A: "I can nail that one twenty out of twenty times."
B: "You're amazing, like some kind of psychic."
A: "Wizard dammit."

Now, next Tuesday, this lady is going to come in from Atlanta, armed with six twenty-page personality reports so we can discuss these things as a group. The implication is that two of the others in the office will no longer need to call her or anyone else in the HR department to report our boss for saying inappropriate or thoughtless things, or for generally being a bad manager and for running the project into the ground, ruining relationships with clients and subcontractors alike, and smearing the company's reputation. Now that we know he's a "Doer not a thinker" and has an "Agressive Teller" leadership style, it will be all strippers and cotton candy until the job is finished. Meanwhile our "Doer" still opens his mouth before he thinks, and still only listens for about 3-4 seconds before he gets lost in thought (you can tell by looking at his face) or interrupts you to tell you what he just thought of in the last 3-4 seconds.

A: "Your communication style is 'Efficient Listener.'"
B: "That's right on! I only need to listen to the first 3-4 seconds to know that someone is going nowhere with their train of thought."
A: "Right. Just use the term "EF," and leave it at that. Overall, you fit the "Penile Cerebrum" profile."
B: "Dickhead?"
A: "Exactly. A "PC," as we say."
B: "Can you help me with that?"
A: "Well, now you know what your personality type is, and like they say: knowing is ALL of the battle. You've won."
B: "But you're a wizard, can't help me become a better manager, and learn some basic people skills? Can't we discuss the real problems at hand instead of skirting them with this HR/Personality Test charade?"
A: "I....uh....LOOK! OVER THERE!!! A BABY WOLF!!!!"
B: "Where'd he go?"