Junk Mail

Due to the unusually small mailboxes in my building, I'm disproportionately annoyed by the amount of junkmail that I get (2-3 pieces a day). If I'm not otherwise occupied, I try to call whoever sent me the mail, thank them profusely, and politely request to be taken off their mailing list. Well, that's only partially true.

The thing about telemarketers and customer service reps is that they sold their soul long ago to serve as the cold, uncaring face of corporate America, so I don't feel so bad for unleashing mild amounts of annoyance and sarcasm on them. I can't talk to some hotshot, asshole VP of Marketing for Netflix, who's job it actually was to walk into a meeting and say

"why don't we just send Josh 3 Netflix offers a week until he caves?"
"Conserve Paper?!? Environment?!?!....Did someone say 'Applebee's for lunch'?....lets go get some FAJITA SHOOTERS and FRIED SUSHI STICKS."

(sorry...I must have missed lunch today)

So instead I get to talk to poor Erin, who's chipper and has nothing to do with Asshole VP. She promises to take me off the list within 30 days, and I promise to bind all of the Netflix offers in a keepsake album, dote on them daily, and call as soon as I am ready for a DVD-Direct-To-Home relationship again. She apologizes for any inconvenience, and I apologize for calling her a useless hand-puppet of an evil corporate machine. OK, again, this is only partially true.

Today, however, I reached the coupon mailer company after hours. I stopped just seconds shy of leaving a scathing voicemail, and opted instead to make use of more advanced technology. The following is excerpted from the Comments section of my 'Don't want no more Shitty Coupons' address removal request form, located on the company's website.

I appreciate the Pizza Hut coupons, I really do, but I keep forgetting to use last weeks coupons, and then it becomes infuriating when the new coupons show up in the mail. (Is it Tuesday already? ARGGGG! I paid FULL PRICE for pizza just yesterday!) Add to that the environmental devastation caused by piles and piles of unused coupons that I must now throw in a landfill somewhere, and my anxiety becomes overwhelming. The Long John Silver coupons though....you'd have done us both a favor if you had just kept them in the first place.

The name I gave above ("Resident") is the moniker by which you've addressed me in all mailings. Your fine print requires that I give my full name, but I hesitate to do so, having seen what you can do with just my address. If you need my full legal name (for some reason that only God or Johnnie Cochran could fathom) please contact me at the email address below, and we can roll up our sleeves and deal with the issue properly, regardless of how many hours it might take. Otherwise, just remove my address from your database, and any other databases you have access to.

JoshW_17@hotmail.com

DO NOT, however, use my email address for spam mailings. Despite the lack of environmental devastation, electronic junkmail is still pretty fuckin' annoying.

Sincerely,

Josh "Doesn't like Junk Mail" _W17


...and somewhere in metropolitain Milwaukee, Asshole VP curses the one that got away.
"Shots are on me, guys. Who likes Apple Pucker?! YEAH!"